Change

I sit here tonight, not sure of how many nights it will be until everything changes. It could be later tonight for all I know. And for some reason I thought it was time to write down some of my thoughts, maybe that's a sign, I'm not sure.

The last 6 or so weeks have definitely been the hardest I have ever experienced. It hasn't been easy by any means. Going over scenario after scenario has been both exhausting and terrifying. I think the hardest part about everything has probably been not knowing for sure what we are in for.

So before he does come. I want to tell our kids a couple things first. 

It's gonna be mushy, just a fair warning.

Dear Lexi and Izaac,

The last 4 years with just the two of you has been an absolute dream. I couldn't imagine or ask for two more amazing children to raise. I truly feel like you are both such unique and special spirits. You radiate such happiness and love and hope. It gives me strength and joy each day.

I feel like we were given such a special gift too, to just have each other for the last 4 years. I feel like you two couldn't be closer and I feel like I have been able to form such a tight close bond with both of you as well. And even though sometimes I still think you both might be a bit too attached to me, I honestly wouldn't change it for the world.

I have had so much fun, I have learned so much, and I am so so so so grateful for the last four years that I have had with each of you together. I love you both with every fiber of my being.

And I am not going to lie, I am scared of how this new baby is going to affect you, us, and our family.  I hate thinking about how anything might change. How I won't get as much time with you. How you might be asked to sacrifice more than you should. So let me first just say, if that is the case, I am sorry. I really am sorry.

But let me also say. I was not kidding when I said how I truly feel like you are each very unique. And I feel like you are both going to be out of this world amazing with this baby. Now and in the future.  I can already feel the love that you have for him. And I know that he was given each of you to be his brother and sister for a reason and a purpose. And I know that we are ready for this.

It might be scary. But we are ready. You are ready. And I am already so proud of you for who you are and who you are becoming. I am told countless times how good and obedient you are. How amazing you two play together, and how lucky I am. So thank you, for being so wonderful.

I also want you to know that the matter what happens, I really do believe that even though it might seem hard with baby sometimes that it can also be one of your greatest blessings. I know you are both pretty young but I want you to already try and find the good in everything.

The matter what happens. I will always love you. I will always always always have your best interest in my heart and prayers. And I will always be your mom. I am not perfect, and you already know I am not always fair, and I may seem extra busy with baby for a little while or even maybe for that rest of our lives, but I am here and always will be for you too.

I am so grateful for each of you and I love you with all of my heart.

Love, Mama