When Time Stops

I don't really talk much about what it's like to be the wife of a cop. Maybe it's because I don't want to seem boastful or maybe it's because I don't want to complain. It's probably a combination of both.

I am so incredibly proud of Jimmy and I truly feel so honored to be his wife but at the same time it just can be so incredibly hard.  Cop life is not the easiest gig.

For lots of reasons...

(But especially when they face a life threatening situation)

Last week, Jimmy himself, was in a shooting. He actually shot his rifle. Seven times to be exact.

 I won't go into more details though because it's not my story to tell. However, I will say that it was dangerous and oh my gosh.

 It takes a huge toll on your heart to know that the person you love most in the world, the person that you feel you cannot live without, the person that you are closest to (and have been since you were 16), was in a situation where some one deliberately wanted to hurt or kill them. 

Usually, when Jimmy is at work, I am not sitting around thinking about how he can potentially get into dangerous situations. To be honest, I'm not really thinking about him being a cop at all. I kiss him goodbye and I truly am able to block out all the scary stuff. Jimmy is just at work. He's not speeding down the highway, he's not using his weapon, he's not dealing with drug addicts. 

He's just at work. 

That's it. 

Honestly, I think I was born to be a first respondent's wife because of this. People ask me all the time how do I do it and I'm just like, I honestly just don't think about it. I carry on and hold the fort down at home.  Again, Daddy is just working, he's not out there doing crazy things. 

But man,  when you get that phone call that something has happened, it is an instant reminder that your husband isn't just at work. He is a police officer.

It's happened a handful of times now when time stands still and you really feel that real fear. The kind of fear that makes you... frozen. 

It was a little bit after midnight when Jimmy called me. And I have to say to hear his voice was already good news. I mean I instantly knew something happened or he wouldn't have called, but I also knew that he was obviously physically okay because he was the one calling.

He told me that he had just fired his weapon 7 times and you could hear that he was shaking. I remember sitting there and time just stopped. Was this really real? Was I really just sleeping, while my husband was out there shooting at someone, actually shooting him?

 It was hard to make sense of it.

Jimmy stayed on the phone for a minute or two and neither of us could even say anything. I just listened to him breathing and he did the same. And it was like ok, Jimmy's alive. We're okay. 

Of course, he didn't have long and had to go pretty soon. 

And so there I was. 

And again time just stood still. 

There I was. In our home. In our bed. Having just heard that the other part of me, the person that sleeps in this same bed, next to me, was in a shooting. With real guns. With real bullets. With real intentions. 

It was like okay what do I do now? Just go back to bed? Do we really just say, we are okay, let's move on?

And crazy enough, the answer is yes.

 I remember looking up with tears in my eyes and saying thank you. The important thing was that my Jimmy was alive. And I got a very clear message right then that, this is what you have to focus on. That he is alive. Not all the what if's.

I needed to count my blessings and move forward. But this was definitely another time where time had stopped for me. And for a minute or two life was frozen.

I feel like I was pretty good until a night in New Mexico. When the what ifs got to me. And I lost it a little. I think that is expected though.

But we can't live our lives with that "what if" mentality and I know that. And this is another reason I think I was meant to be a first responder's wife. Because I can do this.

And I am so in love with my Jimmy. He is amazing. And he is without a doubt the bravest person that I know.